Self Pity

Out of all the things we can do to ourselves, self pity is the most destructive. It’s the opposite of anxiety. Instead of worrying about everything outside of your control, you rather give up and blame that instead of trying. The worst kind of self pity is where we are quick to blame ourselves but not willing to forgive ourselves and try to move on. Taking personal responsibility in your life in one thing, but taking all the hits on the chin as if you deserved it is another.

Self pity is not a poisonous acid like pride or greed. It is more like a river slowly carving away the rock. It whittles down your character so slowly you do not even realize it is happening until it is too late. It will destroy relationships and all that is good in your life. It will fulfill all the negative prophesies it makes then leave you alone to wallow in your misery.

It becomes easy to play the “what if” or the “if only” game with self pity. The spiral downwards starts with thinking of how hard done by you are. You think of how unfair it all has become. You begin to hate yourself or the world because you never had this opportunity or that. Stephen Fry once said if he could publish a self-help book the first page would be “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy”. Its really simple but really hard to do at the same time.

It may be a natural reaction to life when you are at the bottom of a deep dark hole. I have been there and life then threw me a shovel and said “get digging”. Yes things can always get worse but they do not stay that way forever. Even suffering can end with death. Nothing is infinite. Self pity is the enemy of opportunism. You feel you are never given the chances you need to make it in this world. You feel that when you have the opportunities that “it came at the wrong time” or you “don’t have what it takes”.

Stopping self pity can be very difficult. You have to find a reason why you feel good enough to deserve what you want, and then you still have to persevere in order to reach your goals.  Regardless of the situation you are in, you cannot believe you are the unique little precious snowflake that the world is hell-bent on destroying. Life is never fair, EVER! You can only increase the odds in your favour through passion and determination. And EVEN then, you will still fail many times before succeeding. Edison himself said he never failed at making the light bulb, only found many ways that it wouldn’t work.

The first thing you need to shake off is the belief that you “deserve” anything. You technically only have a limited list of human rights. Many countries still do not have half of the freedoms you take for granted. But freedom always comes with responsibility. Your freedom to movement can be taken away if you kill someone for example. The state will lock you away for many years after one little act. You cannot take anything for granted, you do not deserve anything, the world owes you nothing and everything can always change.

Don’t let anyone tell you to simply “cheer up”. Self pity is not melancholy. You don’t just start smiling more and the problem goes away. NEVER allow anyone to tell you that you need to get over yourself because someone else out there has it worse. It’s the same as someone coming to you when you are happy and saying “You can’t be happy because some else has it better”. Its an unfair comparison to make. Just because you have a problem does not make it unique. But just because it is a common problem, it does not make it less of an issue.

Nobody can make you react to a situation in a certain way. Yes they can create a scenario that may illicit a certain range of responses but they cannot make you respond in any specific way. Hidden camera prank shows are enjoyable because of that. You provide a situation which you believe will produce a range of humorous results but you never know what that person will actually do.

Just like the case with anxiety, you can only control the world within your reach. The first thing you can have major control over is the emotions and thoughts running through your mind. You can decide “how” you will react to the things around you. You can never decide “what” happens. Even if you choose a path to be a lawyer or a drug dealer, you could still get mugged and killed. Sure you need to make wise choices as they can change your overall direction in life. BUT the specifics of whom you meet and the places you will go are largely out of your control.

Once you accept that your control and influence over life is limited, you can get down to the business of getting what you really want. A famous sports star did not become famous because they tried to be. They cannot make you like or hate them unless they go out of their way to do so. A sports star practiced many hours and focussed on the game before hitting the big time. They earned their place by controlling the world within their grasp. If some kid in China now begs his parents for your action figure you did not make him do that. Differentiating between what you can or cannot change will allow you to make the steps needed to get to your goal.

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You do not get opportunities, you make them.

You have to learn a few key things in order to let go of self pity. Once you can do that, there will be no more “what if’s” and “if only’s” in your life.

• You are no precious gem or rare little treasure. Life itself is precious however, don’t forget that. In the entire current known universe we are the only planet with any life at all. So what we have here and now is important and needs to be protected. BUT you are replaceable in a second. It only takes one minor accident for all humans to be wiped out. There are a million ways to die but only a few ways to live a meaningful life. Your legacy will only live on if you made the right kind of impact on those around you. At the end however, no matter how great you are eventually you too will be forgotten.
• It is better to live not believing in heaven or hell. That way you would actually understand how important it is for you to live well now. There is no redemption or punishment. There is no “do-over” button. You would care far more not only for yourself but for others too if you truly understood and accepted this as your one and only existence. If you could come to grips with the utter briefness of our lives you’d then grasp every opportunity that you could. When you do not find the opportunity you want then you’d willingly make your own.
• Failure will happen. Maybe not now or maybe not the kind of failure that ruins an entire project/event. If you can accept that then you will be more willing to do the right preparation to avoid it. If disaster does strike then you will acknowledge it and be able to move on faster.
• Self pity will destroy you. You are allowed to feel sad, upset or angry. It is reasonable to hate how unfair life is. But you cannot internalize that as the self-pity it normally becomes. If you can understand the destructive nature of your unchecked thoughts and emotions you can avoid it all together. Do not start down the road if at all possible. But if you are already in some hole wallowing in your own tears then it is never too late to get out. All you need to do is understand you do not “deserve” anything, good or bad. You only get what you get, and that can only be shaped as far as your reach extends. Self pity is an emotive response that you can choose to have. You may not choose what happened to you but you decide how you react to these events.

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Anxiety and self pity are brothers and best friends. Often one ever goes to the party without the other. Both of them have the same mother, self loathing. When you hate yourself it is hard to find reasons why you believe you should go out and get what you want. If you hate yourself you do not think yourself worthy of the challenges set before you. You cannot do anything because self-loathing beats you into a corner while self-pity holds your arms down. Anxiety is just the crowd cheering for your loss. Learn to recognize the signs of you losing control over your thoughts and emotions.

Here are some things you will work on if you are prone to feeling sorry for yourself:

• Find a reason to feel adequate in some aspect of your life. This usually comes from a consistent and constant effort in practising or carrying out a task.
• Learn to trust your own judgement. Begin making more of your own choices.
• Take responsibility for your own life and the outcome of your actions.
• Learn about being self-confident and foster that attitude in all aspects of your life.
• Don’t shy away from something just because it appears difficult.
• Surround yourself with people who will understand and appreciate you.
• Learn how to stand up for yourself.

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Introduction to mental health

According to a study by John L. McIntosh, Ph.D. and Christopher W. Drapeau, M.A. for the American Association of Suicidology, all ethnic groups below the age of 74 have experienced an increase in suicides in the US. Historically, times of financial difficulty have always seen greater suicides. Humans have always killed themselves throughout history, but now the numbers are increasing at an alarming rate.

Speaking in biological terms, only humans commit suicide. Some animals have shown self-harm tendencies and there are isolated cases of what appears to be suicide in animals. Proper suicidal behaviour however, appears to be limited to humans as we have a very strong sense of self-awareness and a strong understanding in the implications of death. Many animals will lose the will to live and allow themselves to starve or drown. However this is usually directly linked to the loss of a mate or offspring. Poor living conditions that cause stress, isolation, fear, disease, malnutrition or boredom will lead to behavioural issues such as aggression or self-harm. But it seems a human trait to be suicidaly unhappy without any of these factors being the cause. It’s gotten to the point where we are willing to override the strongest instinct we have; to stay alive. No other animal living in its normal habitat will willingly hurt or kill themselves unless it has to do with the cause of fertilizing eggs. Only humans are miserable enough to WANT to die.

Now this may seem like a morbid way to start a section on mental health. But you must understand where I am coming from. You don’t have to be suicidal to be considered depressed. And you don’t have to be clinically depressed to be considered completely miserable. Most of our misery is self inflicted by imaginary society pressures to do or be a certain “thing”. You are required to please everybody but yourself, whilst marketing is all about selfish pursuits. When we don’t please ourselves, we are told to learn to “love ourselves” better. But when we do something for ourselves the world accuses us of being too selfish and self-centred. These mixed messages make living a balanced life impossible.

There is a fine line of how much time is “enough” to dedicate to your own interests. Your personal well-being is normally always a good priority to have. However we are a communal species hard wired into caring with our own kind. Humans and many other primates have shown to be “soft wired” with mirror neurons in our brains. A human observing something such as pain, joy etc. in another human will have the same neurons light up in their brain as the person they observe. We are by design meant to care for people other than ourselves. Communal animals all have vastly intricate and complex ways of interacting and communicating. In order to survive it is necessary to meet the needs of the whole, as the group can offer protection to individuals.

This fully explains why we are wired for empathy within our own species. We are not meant to destroy ourselves as we currently do. According to author Jeremy Rifkin, we are built for sociability, attachment, empathy, affection and companionship. He spoke in a fantastic Ted Talk about the Empathic Civilization. He believes we are not as horrible as we think. We are by design meant to get along; it is just a lack of understanding that gets in our way.

Rifkin says “Our strongest drive outside of basic survival instincts is the drive to belong. To belong to a group is to have safety and all the benefits of companionship. You can see the biological programming at work in a nursery filled with babies. If one baby cries many others may cry too although they do not have a reason to. This is called empathic distress. Around 2 and a half years of age a child will begin to recognize themselves in a mirror. By this age they will understand if they are observing someone else having a feeling they know if they have a feeling too it is because someone else is having it. They begin to separate their identity from those around them.

Around 8 years of age a child learns about death. A child learns about this as their one and only life. They learn about how hard life can be and begin to understand that they too can suffer and die. Once a child knows this they can identify with any other organism as they understand the plight of something other than themselves. They see another creature or person as something else that also has one life, that their lives can be hard, and that they too can suffer or die. “

According to Rifkin, empathy is the opposite of heaven. When he explains it I can agree with his points. He believes there cannot be empathy in heaven because there is no mortality or suffering.

Empathy is grounded in the acknowledgment of death and the celebration of life. So when we talk of building more caring and considerate societies we are not talking of a utopia. Ironically it is the acceptance in the presence of death and suffering that can bring empathetic responses to other people. Without suffering there can be no understanding between humans. Building an empathetic society requires us to look at one another and recognize weaknesses and frailties, understanding we only have one life, acknowledging that life is hard and we can all suffer and die.

But here lies the challenge. If as Rifkin suggests, that we are wired for empathy, how then do we make a more connected and empathic society? It is something that requires a shift in consciousness. We have to feel empathy to other humans and our entire biosphere as well if we wish to survive as a species. We can no longer afford to look at our planet as something emotionally detached from ourselves. The air we breathe is as important as the person we want to marry one day.

Rifkin states that empathy used to only stretch to our family group or tribe. It would be the extent our voices could shout. Anyone outside of this circle was dangerous and not to be trusted. This was to allow humans to develop close emotional bonds to the group that allowed for better survival. Empathy is the glue that allows social units to cohere. With the advent of writing, words and connections were made beyond the boundaries of the current space and time. As far as words could be carried then connections could be made. Religious ties then became the boundaries of our empathy. Then along comes the 19^th century industrial revolution with strong nation-based markets. Before that yes, wars were waged between nations but people would still heavily identify with their own religion. However you suddenly now saw all the British considering themselves as extended family. Germans saw themselves as one empathetic group and so on. These are loyalties based on complex technological advancements that eliminated time and space in between communication links.

Rifkin’s conclusion is an interesting one. He believes if we can evolve from family ties up to whole nations seeing themselves as a single unit, why can’t we do the same for the whole of Earth? It is a reasonable idea considering the massive amounts of technology we have dedicated solely to communication. Disasters around the world can evoke a far more emotional response than before because of the immediacy of communication these days. However because we have created a detached sense of empathy, you get cases of incredible ignorance in spite of all the connections we have access to. I have heard of stories where the Boxing Day tsunami washed people into the lobby of the beach front hotels. As those in the water were almost drowning other people stood on the stairs a few feet away filming them rather than helping. On the other side of the globe the uploaded video of the event on the internet caused thousands of peole to scramble to the aid of the affected region.

We have instant access to these traumatic events and it does strike an empathic response in many people. Yet we need to link this global communications network with a more emotional connection to the people behind the device. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. However the fact that we have shown the correct empathic response in dire situations leads me to believe we cannot be that awful as a species. The recent overwhelming emotional response from the Boston Marathon bombing could not have happened if we were completely wired for materialism, self-interest, utilitarianism, or pleasure-seeking.

Even in a study of genetics it is clear we should be wired to connect to one another. We all actually come from the same place. It is through genetics we can see that the bible did get one thing right. Every one of the 7-odd billion people on the planet shares genes with one male and one female from the rift valley in Africa from about 175 million years ago. From the 10 000 or so anatomically modern humans rose us; all with the same genetic background. We need to broaden our original ideas of family and the sense of belonging. We fight over so much but we should learn to extend our identities to include all humans as fellow temporary visitors on Earth.

We are meant to get along, but we cannot allow that to be changed by parenting, education, business, or the government. That is where secondary drives like violence can come from. We need to rethink what empathy really is in order to lay the groundwork for a more united civilization.

Empathy is a connection that would make it harder, if not impossible to treat each other as badly as we do. If we cared, we would actually learn to protect one another and the environment. The planet would not be strip mined for resources and people would not be treated as disposable tools. We’d make a greater effort to find a way of getting what we want while still respecting the needs of others.

Unfortunately the reality is the opposite of this. We still do not know how to build a true empathic civilization. We are disconnected from one another even though we are designed to be a close community. No wonder we feel so terrible most of the time. But how can we start to give to others when nobody else will give back? We only give our attention to the thing which threatens us the most. Our time is sectioned off and rented to the most convenient employer. We are born, forced to slot into the system, become a capable worker within it then raise our children to do the same robotic tasks as we have.

This is not the way to live. We are meant to be a happy society that can understand each other’s motives. We are meant to work together so long as it benefits our species as a whole. It really is simple, stop fighting and start listening. But simple doesn’t mean easy.

The trick is to change our state of consciousness and try getting back to a state of balance. We cannot be selfish individuals or a mere doormat to others. There is no magic bullet however. We will not become a unified society until we learn to be better individuals first. We cannot expect something of others that we cannot or will not do ourselves. Until we learn more of who we are as a person, we cannot understand anything another person may be experiencing. How can you build an empathic society if we do not acknowledge the difficulties we face in our own lives? Once we understand suffering in our own context, it is easier to understand it when observing another person who is separate to yourself. When we are aware of our own life experiences and what they mean, we can actually ‘feel’ what another person is feeling. We cry for their pain and cheer for their joy. But it cannot happen until you are in the right mindset first.

There is a nice lesson in the bible. (I am not religious but I believe this has context here).

“You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Mathew 7:5

You need to be right in your mind first before even attempting to understand others. You have to prepare to be frustrated with others. You also have to be prepared to go at this alone. Just because you see something, or understand a concept as if it’s second nature it does not mean that another person will too. Just because you want to change the world it doesn’t mean that it will. People may not always understand you, but you have to do what you know is right.

When improving your mindset, your actions will follow. Always ask yourself before you do or say anything:

• T – Is it true?
• H – Is it helpful?
• I – Is it inspiring?
• N – Is it necessary?
• K – Is it kind?

Then you can start to improve your own life before trying to fix another’s.

 

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25 Questions worth asking yourself

We need to set time aside in our lives for introspection. Some people meditate, others take long drives, some hash it out on the sports field. At some point you need to stop and have a think of where you are going in life. Taking stock of what you have and how you operate is a necessary task. You should occasionally allow yourself to get out of the constant rush and panic about the future.

Go through these questions and consider each one carefully. Nobody needs to see your answers. There are no right or wrong responses here. You don’t even need to complete this all on the same day. Allow yourself some alone time with no distractions to answer this all truthfully.

1. What are you most passionate about?
2. What is your proudest achievement to date?
3. What are you most grateful for in your life?
4. If you have one year left to live, what would you do?
5. If you have one month left to live, what would you do?
6. If you have one week left to live, what would you do?
7. If you have one day left to live, what would you do?
8. If you have an hour left to live, what would you do?
9. If you have one minute left to live, what would you do?
10. Are you living the life you want to right now? If not, why?
11. Is there anything you are hanging on to that you should let go of? If so, what?
12. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?
13. What would you like to have achieved in 5 years time?
14. What is currently stopping you from chasing your dreams?
15. What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks?
16. If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret? What can you do now to make sure that doesn’t happen?
17. How can you change someone’s life for the better today?
18. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?
19. What drives you?
20. What limiting beliefs are you holding on to?
21. What bad habits do you want to break?
22. What good habits do you want to cultivate?
23. What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
24. What do you fear most in life?
25. How can you make your life more meaningful, starting today?

 

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